Are we there yet?

Almost!  I’ve been quiet for a while so let me give some updates.

My last round of chemo was scheduled for Thursday, November 17 and I was cleared to have it (meaning my cold was just a cough and my blood counts were normal).  Unfortunately, finishing chemo was an uphill battle.  Before every round they take blood to check your counts.  It took 3 different tries from 3 nurses to get a vein that would give them blood.  As most people know, needles hurt!  So that sucked.  I assumed the rest of the day would go better.  However, it took about 2.5 hours, 3 nurses and ten different needles pricks to get a viable vein for chemo.  At one point, the table in front of me was littered with alcohol swabs, discarded needles, and other IV paraphernalia.  They tried veins in my hand, my wrist, my elbow crease, and all up and down the inside of my forearm.  Finally, one nurse (a Tarheel btw) was able to get an IV started in a vein on my wrist.  Also, recall that I can only have chemo/needles/blood pressure activity on my right arm as the other one is the affected arm and already has enough issues without further aggravation.  So, once the IV was started, premeds began.  These are all the drugs to help combat the nasty side effects of chemotherapy.  But the second bag of premeds was causing my arm to hurt.  I told the nurse and she didn’t think it was a good idea to use that vein as it was barely handling the premeds.  I’d held my own through being stabbed 13 times only because I was intent on finishing chemo that day.  I was headed home for a week afterward and didn’t want to delay getting to the end of all of this.  And I think getting sick and being told I might have to delay my last round was super helpful – reverse psychology came into play – “what I can’t have chemo? I want chemo!”  Recall that I was ready to call it a day at 3 rounds.  Anyway, I was more than a little anxious as I waited for her to call my doctor as to how to proceed.  Verdict: I was to have a PICC line inserted Friday morning.  I would go to chemo immediately afterwards and use the PICC line for chemo.  I would forgo the 24 hour post-chemo shot to boost my WBCs.  A PICC line is a small tube inserted into a vein into your upper arm that is threaded up the arm and across the shoulder into your heart (I think – I actually wasn’t paying too much attention to the details – I was in ‘do whatever you need to do to call it a day mode’).  My mom and I were at the infusion room from 9am until 215 yet no chemo.  The next day we arrived at GW Hospital at 730AM to have the PICC inserted.  It was fairly quick and from what my mom says fairly bloody.  Each of my siblings attended a chemo round/weekend chemo, and my mom came up for the last one.  Save the best for last….yeah my mom clearly got the most medical drama, but surprisingly she got zero tears from me.    My mom had to step outside of Claire’s when I get my ears pierced at 13 because she was feeling faint.  I have no clue how she sat through all of this, but I digress.  The line was inserted and wrapped up; we headed back to the infusion room to get it finished.  The IV was inserted into the PICC with no problems, and 3 hours later I was finished with chemo.  It was quite anti-climatic.  Or perhaps it’s because my attitude was “Good Riddance! I hope I never see an infusion room again!”  The next day I flew home to Alabama with my mom.  It was the first time I’ve seen my dad since finding out about the cancer.  And as my sister noted, probably the first time he’s ever hugged me before my mom.  Being home was GREAT!  My mom cooked three meals a day, anything I wanted.  And for once, chores were not mentioned and sleeping was not frowned upon (…too much).  I felt really crappy for most of my visit, but better to feel bad at home than at work..working.  And Thanksgiving was the worst.  My sisters were finally home with me and I felt like sh!t.  After dinner I wanted to put my head on the table and that evening I felt so nauseous that I was actually carrying a bag around the house.  But by Saturday I felt fine and have been feeling better and better ever since. My only other big post-chemo update was how anxious I was feeling the first several days after I finished chemo.  I had heard a lot about how hard it is to get out of ‘cancer’ mode and the host of problems that come with it.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the risk of recurrence. Will it ever come back? Is some of it still there? How the heck could I possibly ever do chemo again!? Is there something I can do to prevent it from coming back? Did I do something to get it? And if so, what about my lifestyle should I change to avoid it?  I was having anxiety nightmares every night – where you are half asleep half awake worrying about random situations – that are completely self-created and you only fully realize are ridiculous when you are fully awake.  I have stopped worrying so much.  Mainly, because Carlie kind of ‘b!tched’ me out after breakfast one day and said worrying wasn’t going to help, there was nothing I could do, and I needed to stop thinking about it.  Which is kind of right.  But I feel good.  I’m busy with work.  And am super excited to have enough energy to get back to a normal life/social routine.  I think I have more to say, but I’ve been typing for forever, it’s late, and I’m tired.  So one more story.

One day at work last week, I had come back from lunch and walked into the room where I sit and 5 people were discussing a project I work on.  I asked the client to give me the update on the latest development as I took off my hat and coat.  So he’s talking and it’s directed toward me and I’m listening….but when I go to take my hat off… my wig decides to go with it…………………gosh I wish I were kidding.  I quickly lean over my desk so that I am concealed by the cube walls and try to frantically put my wig back on.  The client kept talking and no one said anything.  I was in panic mode, and quickly rejoined the conversation not sure if my wig was on properly or not.  No one said anything. I felt like my worst nightmare had come true.  I see how the situation is pretty funny, but I just awful the rest of the day and even when I got home.  That level of embarrassment is on par with someone pulling down your pants in public.  But I laugh about it today.  And everyone in that convo knew that I had cancer and chemo, so I doubt they were that shocked. And today I went to work without my wig for the first time.  AWKWARD.  But it was absolutely fine 🙂